I went to a funeral of a dear friend last night. It was a shock that he was really gone to everyone. I entered the funeral home, passed several other friends and neared his wife standing in the greeting line. She seemed like she was holding up reasonably well. When I finally got up to her she said " it all seems like a dream, I am still walking in a fog, it hasn't hit me yet, its just that...he...he was the Love of my life. I hugged her, we talked for a while and when I walked away I lost it.
I wasn't crying because Mike was with the Lord I was crying because I could not imagine being in Diane's shoes. I knew one day soon the cloud was going to lift and the reality of her husband being gone was going to hit. I couldn't help but glance over at Tom every now and then while he talked to many dear friends who had come to the funeral and think about what if it was me and I ached in my heart for Sandy.
I began to think about how Diane probably didn't care at this time about all of Mikes annoyances or the presents she wished he had gotten her, about the mistakes he had made. No she was wishing she has said "I love you" that morning before he left. She was just wishing it wasn't real and she would go home and he would be there. I understood in an instant that if It was me there not Diane and Tom was gone my focus would be totally different. If I had any petty issues, any disappointments lingering in my heart anything like that at all...It would be in that instant trivial and I would gladly have them back along with him.
So for this year 2010, I am going to try to live in my heart and mind that way. Thankful that he is with me, letting go of anything trivial and carrying the joy in my heart toward him as if I came home from his funeral to find him there! I know this will be difficult some days but with Gods help I hope to live this way more then not.
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